30-year veteran Marriage Family and Child Therapist and mother of 5 assists parents in acquiring skills that enhance their ability to raise high-functioning and happy children.
Respect
What outcome are we aiming for?
It is almost universally agreed that the most important job in the world is raising a child, and yet, it is often something we undertake without any preparation. Generally, we parent as we were parented and sometimes this leads to a positive outcome. However, we are not always clear about what outcome we are aiming for.
Blind obedience?
Do we want our children to be blindly obedient? In some cases, โyes.โ For example when we shout โSTOPโ when our child is about to step into oncoming traffic without looking. But how about when we call them to come to us when they are in the middle of some task that is important to them? Are we willing to hear โjust a minute, Iโm playing a video game.โ For some, that is a natural and acceptable response. For others it may feel like defiance. What makes for that difference in our reaction? Generally, it is in the tone of the relationship we have developed with that child.
30-year veteran Marriage Family and Child Therapist and mother of 5 assists parents in acquiring skills that enhance their ability to raise high-functioning and happy children.
Respect
What outcome are we aiming for?
It is almost universally agreed that the most important job in the world is raising a child, and yet, it is often something we undertake without any preparation. Generally, we parent as we were parented and sometimes this leads to a positive outcome. However, we are not always clear about what outcome we are aiming for.
Blind obedience?
Do we want our children to be blindly obedient? In some cases, โyes.โ For example when we shout โSTOPโ when our child is about to step into oncoming traffic without looking. But how about when we call them to come to us when they are in the middle of some task that is important to them? Are we willing to hear โjust a minute, Iโm playing a video game.โ For some, that is a natural and acceptable response. For others it may feel like defiance. What makes for that difference in our reaction? Generally, it is in the tone of the relationship we have developed with that child.
Mutual respect
When we have built a relationship based on mutual respect and trust, we are much less likely to interpret our childโs response as defiance. For many it is a novel idea that โrespectโ is a quality that goes in both directions. We are likely to believe that our children owe us respect. We are less likely to understand that our children also want respect.
Showing respect while staying in charge
We begin demonstrating respect when our children are infants by meeting their needs in a timely fashion. It gets more complicated as they get older and we must become creative to find ways to show our children respect while โstaying in charge.โ Parents need to be in charge in order to keep their children safe and happy. Yes, โHappy.โ Children whose parents are absent or give them too much freedom are overwhelmed by decisions they are not equipped to make. They are then often faced with the negative consequences of making poor decisions
Giving choices, not commands
One way to demonstrate respect for children is by giving them choices that are acceptable to us, as opposed to commands. Finding those choices is sometimes quite challenging, but certainly worth the effort.
For the very young child, we can offer choices non-verbally, such as showing him two different foods. He might respond by pointing or reaching for the one he prefers. If you have a daughter around 3 or 4 years old, you might start out the day by giving her the choice of 2 or 3 different outfits. This early opportunity to make a choice is a very effective developmental strategy.
If the child has a strong opinion that we havenโt considered, it is important that we consider it carefully and allow them their choice whenever possible. When it is not possible, we must be clear and concise in our refusal. Parents often try to justify their refusal with extended reasons. This weakens their authority.
Our greatest challenge comes as our children become adolescents with their own strong opinions and it is more difficult for us to find choices that they might find acceptable. However, it is crucial that we do just that. There will be times when it is impossible. For instance, when your teenager wants to go to a party at the home of a friend whose parents you donโt know, it is your responsibility to talk to those parents and determine the safety of the situation, even though your teenagers may be embarrassed.
As our children grow into their late teenage years, it is often difficult for us as parents to recognize that our children are, in fact, adults. But we must be able to let go with some grace in order to maintain a positive relationship with our adult children.
Until next time………………….. tj
ย
๏ผไบบใฎๅญใ่ฒใฆ10 ไบบใฎๅญซใๆใคใ็ตๅฉใปๅฎถๆใปๅญไพใซ้ขใใใญใฃใชใข30 ๅนดใฎใ ใใฉใณใปใฉใในใใใ่ณขใๅ ๆฐใชๅญไพใ่ฒใฆใๅใ้ซใใใๆไผใใใใพใใ
ใชในใใฏใ๏ผๅฐๆฌใปๆฌๆใปๅฐ้
ไฝใ็ฎๆใใ
ใใฎไธใงๆใ้่ฆใชไปไบใฏๅญ่ฒใฆใงใใใใจใฏ่ก็ฎใฎไธ่ด ใใใจใใใงใใใใใใ็พๅฎใซใฏไฝใฎๆบๅใใชใๅใ็ต ใใใจใซใชใใใกใงใไธ่ฌ็ใซใฏ่ชๅใฎ่ฆชใจใฎ้ขไฟใใใฎ
ใพใพๅญไพใจใฎ้ขไฟใซๅๆ ใใใฆใใพใใใใใใใ็ตๆใซ ใคใชใใใใจใใใใพใใใ่ฆชใจใใฆไฝใ็ฎๆใใใๆ็ขบ ใซ่ช่ฆใงใใฆใใชใใใจใๅคใใฎใงใใ
็กๆกไปถใซๅพใใใจ๏ผ
่ฆชใฏๅญไพใซใ็กๆกไปถใซๅพใใใจใๆฑใใฆใใใฎใงใใใใใ ใคใจในใฎๅ ดๅใใใใงใใใใใใจใใฐๅญไพใไธๆณจๆใซ่ป ใฎๅใซ้ฃใณๅบใใใจใใๆใซใๆญขใพใใชใใใใจๅซใถใใ
ใชๅ ดๅใงใใใใใใๆฌไบบใซใจใฃใฆใฏๅคงไบใชไฝๆฅญใใใฆใ ใๅญไพใใ่ฆชใๅผใใ ๆใชใใฉใใงใใใใใใกใใฃใจๅพ
ใฃ ใฆใใฒใผใ ใใใฆใใใใใจใใ็ญใใๅใๅ
ฅใใใใใง
ใใใใใใใใ่ช็ถใง่จฑๅฎนใงใใๅๅฟใ ใจ่ใใไบบใใ ใไธๆนใงใๅๆ็ใ ใจๆใใไบบใใใใงใใใใใใฎ้ใ ใฏไฝใซ็ฑๆฅใใใฎใใใใใฏไธ่ฌ็ใซใ่ฆชใจๅญใฎ้ใฎ้ขไฟ
ๆงใซใใใจ่จใใพใใ
ใชในใใฏใใใใ
็ธไบใฎใชในใใฏใใจไฟก้ ผใซๅบใฅใ้ขไฟใ็ฏใใฆใใใฐใๅญ ไพใฎๅๅฟใๅๆ็ใ ใจๅใๆญขใใๅฒๅใฏใใฃใจไฝใใชใใพ ใใๅคใใฎไบบใฏใใใชในใใฏใใใๅๆนๅใงใใใใฎใ ใจ
ใฏๆใฃใฆใใพใใใๅญไพใ่ฆชใใชในใใฏใใในใใ ใจใฏ ๆใฃใฆใใๅญไพใใชในใใฏใใๆฑใใฆใใใใจใซใฏ็่งฃใ ๅใฐใชใๅพๅใใใใพใใ
่ฒฌไปปใๆใใใคใคใชในใใฏใใ็คบใ
ๅญไพใซๅฏพใใใชในใใฏใใฎ่กจ็พใฏใ่ตคใๅใซๅฏพใใฆๅฟ
่ฆใช ใใจใใใใซใใฆใใใใจใใๅงใพใใพใใๅญไพใๆ้ทใ ใใจใใๅฐใ่ค้ใซใชใใ่ฒฌไปปใๆใใใคใคใชในใใฏใใ
็คบใๆนๆณใ่ใใๅฟ
่ฆใใใใพใใ่ฆชใฏๅญไพใฎๅฎๅ
จใจๅนธใ ใซ่ฒฌไปปใ่ฒ ใใชใใใฐใชใใพใใใใใใงใใใๅนธใใใซ ใ่ฒฌไปปใ่ฒ ใใฎใงใใ่ฆชใใใชใใฃใใใใใพใใซๆพไปปไธป
็พฉใ ใฃใใใใใจใๅญไพใฏๅไธ็ธๅฟใซ้ใๆฑบๆญใ่ฟซใใใ ใใจใซใชใใๅคใใฎๅ ดๅใ่ชคใฃใๅคๆญใใ็ใใๅฐใฃใ็ต ๆใซ็ด้ขใใใใจใซใชใใพใใ
ๅฝไปคใใ้ธๆใใใ
ๅญไพใซใชในใใฏใใ็คบใๆนๆณใฎ๏ผใคใซใๅฝไปคใใใฎใงใฏใช ใใ่ฆชใๅใๅ
ฅใใใใ้ธๆ่ขใไธใใใขใใญใผใใใใ ใพใใใใใใ้ธๆ่ขใ่ฆใคใใใฎใฏใจใฆใ้ฃใใๅ ดๅใ
ใใใพใใใ่ฆๅดใซ่ฆๅใใ ใใฎไพกๅคใฏใใใพใใ
ๅนผใๅญไพใซๅฏพใใฆใฏใ๏ผใคใฎ้ฃใน็ฉใไธฆในใใชใฉ่จ่ไปฅๅค ใฎ้ธๆ่ขใไธใใใใจใใงใใพใใๅญไพใฏ่ชๅใๆฌฒใใๆน ใๆใใใใๆใซๅใฃใใใใใงใใใใ๏ผ๏ฝ๏ผๆญณใฎๅฅณใฎ
ๅญใชใใใใใคใใฎๆดๆใไธฆในใฆไปๆฅ็ใใใใฎใ้ธใฐใ ใใใจใใๅงใใฆใใใใงใใใใๆฉใๆๆใซ้ธๆใฎๆฉไผ ใไธใใใใจใฏใ้ๅธธใซ้ซใๆ่ฒๅนๆใใใใพใใ
่ฆชใๆใฃใฆใใฟใชใใฃใๆ่ฆใๅญไพใๅผทใไธปๅผตใใๅ ดๅใ ๆ
้ใซ่ใๅฏ่ฝใงใใใฐใใใ่ชใใใใจใ้่ฆใงใใ่ช ใใใใชใๅ ดๅใฏใใใฎ็็ฑใๆ็ญใใค็ฐกๆฝใซ็คบใใชใใ
ใฐใชใใพใใใ่ฆชใฏๅพใ
ใซใใฆ็็ฑใๆปๅบใใฆๆๅฆใๆญฃๅฝ ๅใใใกใงใใใใใใงใฏๅญไพใฎไฟก้ ผใๅคฑใฃใฆใใพใใพใใ
ๅญไพใๆๆฅๆใ่ฟใๆ็ขบใชๆๆใๆใคใใใซใชใใจใ่ฆชใฏ ๆๅคงใฎ่ฉฆ็ทดใฎๆใ่ฟใใพใใๅใๅ
ฅใใใใ้ธๆ่ขใ่ฆใค ใใใฎใ้ฃใใใชใใพใใใใใใๅฎ่กใใใฎใฏ้่ฆใชใ
ใจใงใใไธๅฏ่ฝใชๅ ดๅใใใใงใใใใใใจใใฐๆๆฅๆใฎ ๅญใๅ้ใฎๅฎถใง่กใใใใใผใใฃใซ่กใใใใจ่จใฃใๅ ด ๅใใใชใใใใฎๅ้ใฎ่ฆชใ็ฅใใชใใใฐใใใจใๅญไพใ
ๅซใใฃใฆใใใใฎ่ฆชใจ่ฉฑใใใฆใใผใใฃใๅฎๅ
จใใฉใใใ ๅคๆญใใใฎใใใชใใฎๅใใชใฎใงใใ
ๅญไพใ10 ไปฃใ็ตใใใซ่ฟใฅใใๆใๅฝผใใฏใใๅคงไบบใชใฎ ใ ใจใใไบๅฎใฏใ่ฆชใซใจใฃใฆใฏใใฐใใฐๅใๅ
ฅใใใใใ ใฎใงใใใใใใๅคงไบบใซใชใฃใๅญไพใจ่ฏๅฅฝใช้ขไฟใ็ถญๆใ
ใใใใซใฏใๅชใใ่ฆช้ขใใใใฆใใใใจใใงใใชใใใฐ
ใชใใชใใฎใงใใใพใๆฌกๅ………………….. tj
This story appeared in Issue 270 of the Tokyo Journal.
To order Issue 270, click here.